Disclaimer: If any of this commentary is offensive or hypocritical, feel free to leave a comment. Feedback is always welcomed.
Okay, I know it’s pathetic that I could only last about… 48 hours of my quest to only share my optimism with the masses… but I really need to take a brief hiatus and let you guys know something very important.
FACEBOOK STATUSES ARE AWKWARD.
I do not like them.
Yes, I will admit I went through a short phase where I would update mine every 4 to 8 hours… but I strictly kept them to witty quotes, funny lyrics or popular movie references. For example:
“Corrin is Jack’s smirking revenge.” (“Fight Club” reference)
or
“Corrin is just a doorman… doorman…. DOORMAN!” (“Knocked Up” quote)
or
“Corrin is sparta.” (“300″ reference.)
I would say the most narcissistic and moderately shameless personal plug I’ve put in my facebook status was a link to this video of me being interviewed about BU by the beautiful people at College Click TV in Sept. 2007:
But now I realize, people have just been raping the novelty of the facebook status.
I will excuse the following types of status:
General Information: “George is tired”, “Timothy is going to the gym” or “Candice is going to Europe for the week”.
Acceptable Self-Promotion: “Corrin is http://cocoshameless.wordpress.com/” (but really, CLICK THAT SHIT) or “David will be performing at Jake Ivory’s on Landsdowne St. from 9PM-2AM! Come and bring your friends!” (seriously…check it out!)
In my opinion, there are four levels of status awkwardness you can achieve.
Level One: “Suzie is sad to leave summer camp, but SO excited to see her dog Fluffy and then go to the beach and hang out at the mall and then go back to school in 15 days!!”
TMI. Too much information. Although I would prefer a simple “Suzie is excited” (NEVER ”Suzie is sad” - that is emo and a plead for sympathy or inquiry – shame on Suzie), ”Suzie is sad to leave summer camp” would be acceptable. KISS. Keep it simple… silly.
Level Two: “Bob is exhausted, but it was totally worth it.”
This is just all wrong. “It” is the object in the sentence, and without knowing what ”it” was, the sentence is incorrect and there is no purpose to the status whatsoever. Leaving us to wonder what “it” was does not make Bob look mysterious. It makes Bob look like a douchebag trying to making himself look mysterious via facebook status. FAIL. If Bob is in fact, the man, and he is exhausted from having a threesome with his two hot Spanish language tutors, then he should write “Bob is exhausted from having a threesome with Maria and Valentina, but it was totally worth it.” Then TMI is excused due to high levels of bad-assness.
Level Three: “Beatrice is wishing YOU were here…”
This is virtual PDA. Also slightly emo. Beatrice could go down maybe half a level of awkwardness if she included the name of the person she misses, but the PDA/emo overtones are still an offense. Also, if the “you” Beartrice wishes were with her isn’t fully aware that they are the “you” she is referring to – Beatrice is just a huge creeper.
Level Four: “Linda believes they can take anything from me but they can’t succeed in taking my inner peace, they can say all they wanna say about me but I’m gonna carry on!”
In this case, my fictional ‘Linda’ has achieved the highest level of awkwardness a facebook status can reach. These kind of bold proclamations can either be an original phrase, or a quote (in this case Linda uses an excerpt from Christina Aguilera’s “Keep On Singing My Song”.) Good for Linda if she is suddenly feels this surge of empowerment and confidence in herself. But unfortunately, announcing this on facebook either means that a) someone “took her inner peace” and she wants them to know that she is “carrying on” OR b) someone “took her inner peace” and she is having a rough time with it, but wants them to think that she is okay… 99.9% of the time it is the latter… and all her facebook friends know it.
In addition, many people are careless with this kind of quote and forget to change the “take anything away from me” to “take anything away from her“, seeing that “Linda” instead of “I” is the subject of the status. That deserves a nice hearty FAIL and a swift kick in the bum.
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I hope you’ve all learned something from this post. Whether it be “Corrin’s a flaming bitch,” or “Wow, I never realized how much of a tool my facebook status makes me look,” I enjoyed sharing my perspective with you. Now that I think about it… posts like this might be popping up more often than originally anticipated. Sometimes bitching can be entertaining… and cathartic.
5 Comments
July 22, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I laughed, I cried, I learned something about myself. Good post Corrin
July 22, 2008 at 9:04 pm
c-money. i thoroughly enjoyed your blog; however, i am not a fan of your latest entry about facebook status. i do agree with you, but it was not as well thought out or organized as your previous posts. you are a very skilled writer and i believe journalism will suit you splendidly; you seem to enjoy it, and your writing is very entertaining to read. you have a superb vocabulary and excellent grammar. your style is unique, your writing is organized, and you allow your personality to shine through your words. and, corrin, let me tell you, you have a wonderful personality. for your next blog entry i request another “corrin likes” or i will also settle for a short story or perhaps some poetry. but i want to hear something from you, not just you quoting something else. in a later entry you may make references to one of the wonderful works of another, but for now i want corrin. so, let’s hear it!
July 22, 2008 at 9:29 pm
July 23, 2008 at 6:05 pm
it’s “statuses.” status’ makes it possessive.
my favorite part of your post is the face you’re making before you play your comm ave video.
SEEEEE YAAA TOMORRAHHHHH
July 23, 2008 at 7:05 pm
WELL DONE m’lady, well done. Yeah, the pre AND post face was a concern, but I quickly got over it… due to excessive levels of shamelessness…